


hold me while you wait

by itaintbabyshampoo



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Feelings, Lesbian AU, Mild Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-25 04:06:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22009717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itaintbabyshampoo/pseuds/itaintbabyshampoo
Summary: She buries her face deep into Katya, Katya’s legs flopping limply either side of Trixie’s head. It feels like coming home, and it makes Trixie’s heart hurt.
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 5
Kudos: 33





	hold me while you wait

**Author's Note:**

> title from the song of the same name by Lewis Capaldi. this is short but definitely not sweet lol.

Trixie sucks Katya’s right nipple into her mouth as though her life depends on it. She scrunches her eyes shut tight just so she doesn’t have to watch Katya look at the ceiling. Trixie sucks harder, lets it go with a wet pop. 

They broke up a month ago, give or take. Trixie’s been in limbo ever since. Katya’s been right there next to her.

Trixie would have said it came as a surprise, except it didn’t. It creeped up slowly, like a terminal illness – so slowly that Trixie doesn’t know how she didn’t realise it sooner, didn’t feel it infecting the bloodstream of their relationship, eating away at its life force and sapping them both of every ounce of energy they’d fostered into it. Everything was fine until the day it suddenly wasn’t, leaving them both to wonder how they could have possibly missed all the little benign warning signs that foretold of this. 

She still loves Katya. Katya still loves her. And that’s where the trouble lies. For the most part, they bob around each other like two ships in the night – it’s a small town, sure, but it’s also too easy to avoid someone completely when the magnitude of the fallout is too great to comprehend. It didn’t end with a bang; it was more of a slow fizzle. Now they just deal silently with the residual feelings they have left over, the last living members of an almost extinct species, alone and desperate at opposite ends of the world. Trixie didn’t think it was possible to be hopeful and hopeless at the same time, but apparently the world has developed a sick sense of humour when it comes to her. 

  
Trixie licks sloppy, open-mouth kisses down Katya’s sternum, past her toned abdomen, stopping at her left hip-bone. Katya’s body seemingly reacts without her consent; Pavlovian. It’s like muscle memory Trixie thinks, their traitorous body’s immune – or at the very least, ignorant - to the hurting shared between them. Trixie’s dripping wet either way, her underwear sticking uncomfortably to her slick lips. 

She doesn’t have time to think about the moral consequences of this particular endeavour, as Katya pushes her hips up from the sofa, her body yearning for something her mind isn’t quite sure is worth the repercussions of just yet. Trixie happily obliges her though, kisses over the damp fabric at Katya’s warm core just like she’s done one hundred times before. Katya’s hands thread desperately through Trixie’s hair, pulling her in closer - it takes everything in Trixie not to break down crying at Katya’s familiar scent, her gentle yet frantic touch. 

How do you move-on when there’s no one to blame? Trixie still hasn’t figured this out. There’s rage, passion, isolation and devastation – but there’s nothing to take it out on, no catharsis available, no one to scream at until she’s hoarse and red in the face. 

Trixie hooks her fingers around the waistband of Katya’s underwear, pulls the tight cotton shorts down and off, tossing them to the floor. She buries her face deep into Katya, Katya’s legs flopping limply either side of Trixie’s head. 

It feels like coming home, and it makes Trixie’s heart hurt. 

Katya’s hands push at Trixie’s head, pulling her in further even when there’s nowhere left to go. Trixie’s tongue licks at Katya’s hot folds. She alternates between driving her tongue deeper into Katya’s core and sucking firmly at her clit. Katya’s body pulsates beneath her, making little mewling noises so quietly that Trixie wonders whether she’s imagining them or not. Trixie reaches for Katya’s slim legs, throws them over her shoulders as she flattens herself against Katya’s pelvis. The stubbly hairs on Katya’s legs rub at Trixie’s skin and she relishes in the familiarity of it. She’s barely made it a month without this, without Katya – she dares not think about what life will be like after the bubble pops and the current moment ends.

Trixie keeps going, eating at Katya like a rabid dog, all finesse lost to a want so deep that it burns. She keeps going until Katya arches up and lets out a shuddering moan that sounds more like a guttural, broken cry. Trixie would repeat it forever like a prayer if she could. She pulls back and lays her head across Katya’s pelvis; Katya plays with her hair so delicately Trixie thinks she must have done it by mistake, forgetting that they are no longer Trixie and Katya, but just shams of who they used to be. 

She doesn’t know if it’s been minutes, hours, or days when Katya eventually taps gently at her shoulder, urging her to shuffle up. Trixie doesn’t know if Katya will return the favour, but she’s never given to receive. They lie there in silence, the only sounds the sputtering of the almost burnt out candle on the mantel piece and the gentle creaks the worn leather sofa makes as they breathe. Just for a moment Katya snuggles into Trixie, presses the most tender and timid of kisses to her temple. 

And then it’s over, the moment shattered like a boiled sweet dropped to the floor – Katya’s reaching around on the carpet for her carton of cigarettes and lighter. Trixie’s the one staring at the ceiling now. Katya puts a cigarette between her chapped lips and lights it. Tendrils of smoke curl out of her nostrils and small mouth as Trixie watches them rise like hazy waves above her. 

“I hate it when you smoke inside.”

“I know.” 

Trixie doesn’t really hate it, just needs something to fill the silence. Even if they keep going in this cycle, Trixie knows that things will never go back to how they were – they can’t, not when one cog in the wheel just decides to stop turning, decides for all the cogs that it’d be better for everyone to give in, to stop being.

They lie there until Katya finishes the smoke, stubbing it out in the plant pot Trixie keeps next to the sofa. She doesn’t even have the energy to pretend to be annoyed by it, might keep it there like a sad reminder of a time gone by. Katya pulls herself away from Trixie, their skin making an obscene sound as they peel apart in the sticky June heat. Katya roots around for her clothes whilst Trixie lies there, still naked. Still in love. Still very much lost in everything they used to be. 

Katya’s heading towards the door but Trixie can’t even bring herself to sit upright – she doesn’t feel like crying, but she also doesn’t feel much like moving either. Not right now, anyways. 

“I’ll see you later, Trix.”

Trixie knows it’s a lie, but it’s one she knows Katya tells with the best of intentions and she thinks that counts for something.


End file.
